Di is not so sure that the idea of a blog is a good one. I'm not sure either. I think we both doubt the wisdom of putting information into cyberspace, an impersonal void into which anyone may stumble. I think that Di feels this is also somehow presumptuous and I understand that.... but there is a new urgency in my life and I feel entitled to make mistakes.
This sense of urgency can be frightening.
I went to Moseley village with Claire yesterday. She wanted to take a yoga class at the Buddhist Centre and I wanted to talk to Prabakara about the reasons for my failure to appear in his class in recent weeks. While Claire was busy I shopped for 'anti-cancer' foodstuffs in Nima's and the Co-operative supermarket.
Then I went for a coffee at the Java Lounge and talked with Akram, the owner and a former pupil of mine. I was unsure about telling him the details of my illness but he asked me, 'How are you?' and I decided to give him a full answer to that simple question.
I'm glad I did. He told me how he and others always considered me to be a positive person, a teacher who took an interest in them and gave them encouragement. Given his faith perspective, he wanted me to be positive now, to see my circumstance as a condition that was in some way a source of learning. I'm paraphrasing our exchange of course but I was impressed - he is only 28 and I'm not sure that I could have such a sense of equanimity at his age. I took his ideas and re-cast them in a 'humanistic', more secular, mould,
I felt better for that conversation. I have felt better on a number of occasions after talking to others. I need time alone and especially time with Diana but others are able to bring me comfort, care, love and calm.
I hope this doesn't sound too presumptuous, too self-indulgent. If I 'keep it real' it can't be, can it?
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