Having considered the matter

I have spoken to a few people about this blog idea and sent some of them the url and now reached what I think is a considered opinion - I will continue - at least for the time being and if I should change my mind - then I guess I'll just stop.

Today, or at least the first part of the day,  has been one of 'hovering on the edge of the abyss'. I still ask the same crazy question, 'How can this be happening to me?' Just a short time ago I was in the club that assumed I could go on indefinitely. Sure, I knew that the No. 50 bus could upset my plans but I thought like that only to ensure that it didn't happen; operating on the principle that the future is unpredictable, so anything I could imagine happening, wouldn't happen.

Now I'm in a different group, one that I didn't ask, didn't want, to join. I imagine that people must already be looking and thinking about me in the same way that I had thought about cancer sufferers - 'otherly', deserving of sympathy but different to me.

I am still the same person - only more so, is what I want to say to people who think like me, or thought like me. 

The kind words, the care and concern, the hugs - they do help - but the abyss is still there. I think I'm adjusting - I know I'm adjusting - but is the adjustment simply a filmy covering? I have yet to face surgery - that is real. There are no uncertainties, no alternatives about that.

Today we drove to Heathrow to collect Joe following his premature departure from a voluntary teaching placement in China. I am so proud of him for taking on such a huge challenge. We have yet to discuss the one that we face together and separately. He will need time to adjust. I will tell him; I am still me - only more so.